My 3-year-old only wants me.

“Mummy do it,” he says.

He gives my husband such a hard time when we are both home parenting together. However, when I am away, everything runs pretty well.

How do we change this behaviour and teach him to be happy doing things with other people?

Why This Happens

There are a few reasons why children cling to one parent:

1. Big Feelings Need a Safe Landing. Children have huge feelings they don’t yet know how to manage. In your son’s case, he is choosing you — Mum — to be the person to express those emotions with, because he worries no one else will accept them.

   On the flip side, it could be that he senses you, his Mum, may not be completely comfortable with his feelings. Children are remarkably perceptive. If they sense you are uneasy with the “ugly” emotions, they will push harder for your attention until they feel you are safe with them.

   
   

   This links directly to the Cycle of Adaptation model: children need to fully experience their emotions, see that we can handle them, and then move through to release. If they get stuck, the cycle repeats as protests, meltdowns, or clinginess.

2. Confidence in Caregivers. Your son may sense that when you are present, you feel like you are the only one who can care for him properly. He reads this through your body language and reactions. The more he senses this, the more anxious he feels about letting anyone else step in.

   Ask yourself: Am I 100% confident in the people caring for my child? If you aren’t, he won’t be either.

   This connects with the Control & Maturity Model. Children need to feel we are in charge, calm, and confident, so they can rest in our leadership and adapt to being cared for by others.

   
   

What You Can Do in the moment.

The key is to become completely comfortable with his feelings. Welcome them with your words, tone, and body language.

You can say:

• “You feel like you want me to do it? Tell me more about that.”

• “It’s OK to be sad, let me hug you so you can cry.”

Do this briefly but sincerely, then still move forward with the plan. Hand things over to your husband, or continue with your task, while accepting his feelings.

Example:“Ohh I see you want me; it’s Dad’s turn right now. I’m going into the kitchen to cook dinner.”

The message: I hear you, I understand you, and this is still what’s happening.

This is exactly how the Cycle of Adaptation works. Letting children feel, protest, and release, while you hold firm to your role as the leader.

Control Plays a Role Too

Children often grab for control when:

• “I can’t control myself (feelings), so I will control everyone else.”

• “I don’t feel in control of my world, so I will control everything else.”

• “I have too much control over you, it’s scary, so I’ll keep pushing until you give me a boundary.”

These situations can be supported by:

• Accepting and welcoming feelings, so your child learns emotional regulation.

• Providing predictability — a routine or schedule that helps him feel secure.

• Setting boundaries calmly and confidently, while expecting some push back (and being okay with it).

Final Word

Your child isn’t being “difficult”, he’s expressing a need for security, leadership, and emotional acceptance. When you combine the Natures framework (understanding who he is and what might be clashing with his Nature), the Cycle of Adaptation (supporting emotions), and the Control & Maturity Model (setting boundaries confidently), you create the conditions for him to happily connect with Dad and others too.

For more support and practical tools, come join me inside The Super Nanny Membership — it’s where I help parents just like you create calmer homes and happier kids.

See you there.

Jessie Buttons

The NZ Super Nanny