What Message Are You Sending Your Child?

As children grow, they receive information about who they are and their purpose in the world. When children and teens feel good about themselves, their behaviour improves.

If children move through life and do not receive the message;

‘I am worthwhile and I belong here’, then where will they go to find that much needed feeling of personal power and significance?

Children and teens are very clever at making connections within their environment. With an innate desire to belong, they look within their immediate environment to find their place and learn about themselves.

Children are, in part, products of their home environment, and are often unintentionally sent messages from parents that ultimately do them a disservice.

These messages are usually repeatedly embedded in responses to unwanted behaviours, such as:

‘Stop that’;

‘You’re too much for me to handle’;

‘I’ve had enough of you’;

‘You’re driving me crazy’; or

‘Harden up’.

These responses do not separate the child from their behaviour and will inevitably result in a sense of shame. Shame does not change behaviour; it makes it worse.

Children, who feel a sense of shame for who they are, feel unimportant and misunderstood. I believe this is an unseen and yet to be recognised contributor to our country’s alarming youth suicide statistics.

It is not uncommon for a child to think the following:

‘I’m not loved until I behave myself’;

‘I need to be something more’;

‘I need to be more like my brother’; or

‘I am worthless’.

When these thoughts are present, a child will unconsciously think it is not safe or worthwhile to be themselves, so they will try to be someone else.

That someone else I call their ‘second nature’.

Decode your child's Nature here

A child’s second Nature often presents itself as a dysfunctional version of that Nature, meaning you will see the challenges of their second Nature appear more often than the qualities.

For example, if a child’s dominant Nature was Social and their second Nature was Structured, you would see the challenges of the Structured Nature emerging such as, Resistant to change, Mood swings, Indecisive, Judgmental, Pessimistic, Bossy, Disconnected, Anxious, Stubborn, Critical, All or nothing, Despondent.

What Nature is your child? Are they living in their second Nature?

Get the Book - The Nature of Children for Parenting Strategies based on your Child's Nature.

Why Your Child Is Showing Anger and Opposition.

Unwanted behaviours such as anger and opposition arise when the demands of the environment outshine the child's ability to adapt.

This is the beginning of the cycle of unwanted behaviour and looks a lot like a child not following instructions. More often than not, a child struggles to shift gears to quickly meet our expectations, because they do not yet have the skills to do so.

Big emotions such as frustration or disappointment trigger the child's fight response (resistance) driving more unwanted behaviour.

Threats from a parent (yelling or ultimatums) then reinforce the child's need to fight, flight or freeze, thus cycle of unwanted behaviour continues.

Children will then look to find a safe person or place so they can regulate themselves back to a calm state.

They may run to another parent or hide their face away.

If they can not flight (run away) or freeze (hide) they will continue to fight, and so the cycle of unwanted behaviour continues.

Learn what to say, and how to be that safe for your children by scheduling a free session below: https://www.thenzsupernanny.co.nz/free-discovery-session

You also might like:

How to respond when your child says "Im so Stupid"

How To Flip Your Feelings; From Anxious to Excited

Self Isolation with Kids: Activities and Experiences To Suit Your Child's Nature

Left To Their Own Devices

Time In Vs Time Out

When I started nannying, time out was my ultimate go-to. I threatened it, and I followed through. Most of the time it made things worse.

After a little research I soon learnt time out has been used historically as a shaming form of social exclusion. It is emotionally painful and is used in the hope of deterring the unwanted behaviour, usually to little or no effect.

During time out the child receives the message;

"Go away from me, I don't want you in my presence, my love is conditional,

and right now you don't deserve it".

At this point the parent - child relationship is compromised because the child feels unworthy and disconnected. When the child is in this state, they are unable to reason; they are in complete survival mode, also known as ‘fight or flight’. They are unable to think about what they have done as they do not have access to the part of their brain that allows them to reason. All they are doing is surviving and looking for safety.

I know what you are questioning:

Don’t they need time out to calm down?

Don't they need to think about what they have done? This is correct, but the child who is sent to time out is not sitting in their room evaluating where they went wrong. Half the time children don't even know why they have done what they have done. They are certainly not learning a lesson in this state, nor are they learning how to regulate their emotions or develop any sort of self-management skills. They feel bad about themselves and therefore their behaviour usually escalates into anger.

It is easier for a child to be angry and lash out than to deal with big feelings.

The anger they are experiencing is driven by fear or shame, and will not be helped by the punitive discipline techniques such as time out.

There are many alternatives to time out, and it is the action that needs to be addressed, not the child. Take them to a cooling down spot and stay with them until they are ready to practice the skill they needed to meet your expectation. This encouragement through positive reinforcement is actually time in, not time out. They will listen and want to please you if they feel they are not in trouble. Take the emphasis off shaming and onto a practical use for their energy.

Next time you feel tempted to use time out, change it for a time in. Support your child through their feelings. Take them aside and give them the help they are desperately seeking. Have a conversation about your expectations and problem solve together. After all, problem solving is one of the best ways to develop emotional intelligence and this is most likely the skill they are lacking.